When will I remember that I feel worst when I hide the unsayable thoughts inside me? They are never unsayable. And I always feel better when I share them. That’s what this past week has been about. After posting here and sharing with some friends, I feel like a fog has lifted. I still have processing to do, but I want to exercise and eat food with nutrients and practice good sleep hygiene and all the self-care that helps me heal. I am helping out more around the house which feels really good.
I have had a difficult relationship with productivity ever since I got sick. I cannot perform at my previous level on any front, and I don’t want to hold myself to unrealistic standards and feel like a disappointment. But I feel adrift when I have no responsibilities at all. It is hard to negotiate each day to find what feels like a reasonable amount to try to accomplish. And to forgive myself if I don’t reach it. When I am feeling overwhelmed with feelings I give myself permission for my only job to be to get to the end of the day. And unfortunately some days that is a realistic goal. But not as often as I set it. I know this is part of how I end up in the fog and fill up with unsayable thoughts. I guess I can start by trying to share them more. I keep them in to protect myself from other people’s reactions; this is heavy stuff that is out of sync with my peers’ lives and we live in a culture that is bad at grief. I guess that’s something I can do, help to make grief a topic that we talk about by sharing mine.