Y’all, this week has been so hard. This chemo can cause late-onset side effects and I have been flattened by them. What is most striking about them is that these reactions are hitting me as hard emotionally as they are physically. I want to stop this treatment, never do it again, and if that means limiting my life, so be it.

I know this is not my spirit. This is not how I respond to a challenge. And it’s not the biggest challenge I have faced recently – the pain I felt this summer was worse than the past few days have been. But here I am, entirely wrung out.

My radiation started this week and I cannot possibly do both at once, so I am pushing my next chemo dose out until New Year’s Eve. I don’t mind that timing – it feels right to end the year destroying some cancer. I’ll finish radiation next week, so I get the whole week of Christmas in between to rest and enjoy my little family.

I don’t know how I’ll ever get this chemo every other week when week 2 is so awful. I usually like to get unpleasant things out of the way and don’t mind gritting through to the finish. But waiting for me at the end of these doses is just more chemo. If you’ve ever offered before expect to hear from me soon, I’m going to be leaning hard on my community for sure.