I am finally back to feeling like a person again. I was able to spend some time out of the house this week and even do a little bit of walking outside. Yesterday was a truly lovely Christmas – we took our time and enjoyed the process of opening presents and had an amazing lunch delivered by a friend.
I’m finding it hard to enjoy this downtime; I’m just focused on how badly I’m going to feel in the future. This feels like my only chance to accomplish anything for the next 6 weeks and the list of what I would like to do is overwhelming. All I want to do is withdraw and hide, but I’m pretty sure that is not self-care at this point. I think it is time to dig deep and force myself to do the very hard kind of work of washing my face everyday, going for a 5 minute walk, reaching out to a friend with my worries.
So, friends, here is one worry that has been on my mind lately. As I’ve mentioned before, my main oncology team is currently 3 hours away. I woke up in the middle of the night last week and realized that there may come a point where I cannot get myself to appointments that far away by myself. Our family strategy for coping with all of this is built on the idea of me being able to care for myself, but this past chemo reminded me that that may not always be possible. What are we going to do when a 3 hour drive isn’t feasible on my own? Or when I can’t be home alone while my husband is at work? I’m feeling very sad and humbled by cancer lately. I hope my hard work campaign can improve my mood soon.