Use it or lose it has been a theme for me lately. A frustrating, disappointing, taunting theme.
I currently have three injuries I am working on rehabbing. On my left side, sciatica and aching ribs. On my right side neck muscles so tight I wake up lopsided. The ribs and neck, in particular, have been getting worse each chemo round, as my sick/tired posture seems to be the source of these injuries. So I have to deal with them, or continue to become more gnarled two weeks at a time.
I went through menopause as a result of my initial treatment. For a long time I’ve joked that it’s one of the few benefits of cancer, but in reality it has a bunch of downsides. I’m on the road to osteoporosis, and the lack of estrogen has bummer side effects. So I have to supplement now, or risk losing the ability to be intimate with my husband.
I am mad that I require so much maintenance. This body has already lost so many abilities, and now I have hours of work to do each week to keep what I have left. I have gotten serious about it during these two weeks that I have the most energy that I’ve had all year . . . how will I keep it up when I inevitably feel rotten again? Currently it is fear that’s driving me, but that’s not a good motivator long-term. I used to love exercise, but these activities don’t feel good or set off many endorphins.
This is why I call myself a full-time sick person, I have to devote most of my time to simply caring for my ailing body. Maybe I’ll try some tactics from when I could work full-time – setting a schedule or using a Pomodoro timer. Maybe I can make these into goals instead of obligations, ways to see progress in a life that feels like a slow decline. If I figure it out I will definitely share, and if not you’ll hear about what hasn’t worked for me.