When I had my last scan in November, one of the things I was most pleased about was getting to stay on the same regimen and knowing my schedule for the holidays. It has been just as lovely as I hoped for. My daughter has been off school and my husband off work almost the entire time since my last treatment. We had a slow, quiet Christmas and have been enjoying leisurely days of video games and movies and walks around the neighborhood.
I seem to be emerging from the funk I was in last time I wrote. I got through my anniversaries just fine and am appreciating feeling well this year. The other tough thing was that last week my husband had his first colonoscopy. Everything turned out fine, but it was anxiety-provoking for me. My brain was convinced that 100% of the time people in our families get colonoscopies we wake up to find out we have cancer. It brought up the confusion and grief of the day of my diagnosis, and filled me with fear at how we would handle getting my husband through it as well. I’m glad he got a good report and that we don’t have to go through it again for 5 years.
This past weekend was an 11 mile training run and it went well. I was very nervous about my last one was so painful. I have to admit that if I weren’t already signed up for my race, and I hadn’t bragged about it so widely, I probably would not run it. I can run 11 miles, but I am not enjoying it the way I used to enjoy distance running. I am very slow now and the long run takes up so much of my day – that run was over 3 hours, plus the recovery afterwards and the nap I end up needing, it is really time-consuming. I am going to see this training cycle through, and then I will figure out if I want to keep running as my primary exercise focus or move onto something else.
My pain levels are rising again. We know that the cancer in part of my ribs grew a bit on my last scan, but it is not a surprise. Eventually we will do radiation for it. I’m not sure how we know when it’s time to do so, but I trust that my team will help me evaluate that. I’ve moved from not taking pain meds at all to taking them occasionally and my sleeping positions have become limited again, only a couple keeping the pain low enough not to distract me from sleep.
I want to close with a bit of reflection on the year. It was my first year with my only treatment being chemo – no surgery or radiation – 21 doses of it. The first part of the year was incredibly humbling, my treatment was really hard on me and I found myself needing a mobility aid to be out in the world. In May I changed cancer centers and treatments and both were life-altering. I am so pleased with the care I receive and feel so fortunate to have my team. And I feel the best I have in a long time. I have been able to exercise again and increase my bone density to normal after two years of being osteopenic (the first step towards osteoporosis). I also was able to participate in some amazing advocacy – speaking at SXSW and a conference, being featured in the year-end appeals for the LIVESTRONG Foundation and Wonders and Worries, the work I continue to do with my home center, building their programming.
Last year I was so scared to create goals for myself, unsure how I would ever have reliable energy to complete them. Right now I know that my abilities may change this year, but I am less afraid to attempt challenges and have to adjust my expectations along the way. This year I want to continue to work on my fitness and my meditation, as well as focusing on the kind of self-care that is moisturizing and drinking enough water and eating foods that make my body feel good and seeing my friends. Let’s go, 2020.