Weekly Update #61

Finally! I have my new chemo, my Lonsurf and am day 9 of my cycle. It alongside the pain meds makes me very tired. I often take multiple naps a day, my running pace has dropped, I can’t fold more than a few loads of laundry without needing to take a break. Yesterday it was really bothering me to be in such bad shape. My husband came home from work and I could tell he was overwhelmed with the household tasks and I burst into tears out of guilt that I’ve spent the week laying on the couch staring at all that needs to be done but unable to work up the energy to do it. He’s not resentful, but I hate feeling like I make his life harder. He fell asleep just before bedtime and I was able to take that over and let him nap for a bit. It was such a relief to do this thing for him.

I followed up again with my doctor about the MD Anderson trial and it sounds like it’s going to be closed longer than we thought. It’s helpful to have that answer, though it increases the question of whether I’ll end up in that trial or not. For now I am okay with seeing how I respond to the new chemo and hoping that it is a good option for a while.

I also talked with my doctors last week about my increased pain. Even on pain meds nearly all the time my pain was often at a 4 or higher. They upped my doses which really helped, and I have been experimenting with using some steroids as well, the combo of which brings me down to a 0-2 most of the time.

Today I followed up on my new heart condition – atrial flutter. There is a new cardio-oncologist affiliated with my cancer center and I’m going to move all my care to him. For now I’m going to start on a medicine to both prevent the atrial flutter and also protect my heart from damage – my current chemo can damage your heart and the condition could be from previous chemo I’ve taken. I’m also going to do a fancy echocardiogram that will let us see if there are changes to my heart now and track it in the future to see if this chemo is hurting my heart.

Finally, I have to rave about what a wonderful time I had at the marathon this past Sunday. We did hang out in the VIP section which is right next to the finish line chute. We were able to see all the winners go by and it was so thrilling. The male winner of the half-marathon was unbelievably fast as he tore through the finish line. I also connected with the race director and got my medal and my picture at the finish line. I haven’t shared before why this particular race was so important to me. In 2011 I ran the marathon and had to quit at mile 7 – I was newly pregnant with my daughter and a visit to the port-a-potty revealed I was bleeding, so I took medical transport to the finish line. In 2016 while I was on my first chemo I went to spectate and remember so distinctly how it hurt my hands to clap (one of my side effects) and I was sure I would run the race the next year in a tshirt that said, “I beat cancer.” And I couldn’t run the race in 2017 or 2018 or 2019. And I reached the point where I’d never be able to run it wearing a shirt that said I beat cancer. But I could run it in a shirt that said, “I have cancer.” It was a dream years in the making to finish this race and I was so grateful to get to have that experience.

Weekly Update #60

Unfortunately I don’t have very satisfying updates on most of what I talked about last week. I still do not have my Lonsurf – the pharmacy that couldn’t check it out never managed to, so I transferred the prescription to a different pharmacy. The soonest they could get it to me is Wednesday, so I will start this week on either Wednesday or Thursday depending on whether it arrives in time for my breakfast dose.

I also have no update on clinical trials. I still don’t have an appointment with MD Anderson, even after my doctor checked in with them last week. I’m sure it will come at some point and I am now feeling less precious about scheduling things that might overlap.

My pain has been getting worse for a bit and it significantly ramped up in the past week. I’m now on painkillers about 12-16 hours a day. It hurts the most when I’m in bed (it’s my ribs and back that hurt and it’s impossible not to lay on those and sleep), so my sleep is not great. I’m spending lots of time in bed to get adequate night sleep and still taking naps during the day. This is going to be a season of my life where I have to slow down and spend a lot of time reading and watching movies. I did still manage to get in a run today and I’m hoping exercise can help keep the pain at bay, if not I’ll still keep working out and just need more downtime, I guess.

In something that may feel familiar to others with chronic illness, I am also pleased today because I managed to capture a reading of my heart having an episode. I’ve been having them for nearly a year but they are intermittent and unpredictable so I have never managed to get an EKG while I was having one. You can’t treat what you can’t see, so while my cardiologist believes me he hasn’t been able to diagnose or treat it. I have a home mini EKG machine my cardiologist recommended and I send him readings whenever things feel off, so far they’ve all been fast heart rates in a normal rhythm. Today on my run my heart started feeling off like it does sometime and I kept running home so I’d still be in that condition to capture my reading. The app said it say possible atrial fibrillation, we’ll see what an actual human says after reading it. UPDATE: I just got a call from the cardiologist office that I have something called atrial flutter. I have a follow up appointment in a few weeks and we’ll talk about medicine or treatment options. They made a big deal about it not being life-threatening, I guess it’s just something else to add to the diagnosis pile.

To end, I do have some very good news. After I posted here last week that I was so bummed my new chemo schedule would mean missing my half-marathon, some lovely friends managed to get me in touch with the race director. I get to hang out in the VIP section on race day and watch the runners, as well as get my medal and take a picture at the finish line. It’s so much more than I ever would have asked for! The race director gave me two tickets to the VIP section, so if anyone wants to come hang out with me this Sunday morning let me know!

Weekly Update #59

Nearly a week has passed since my last update and I still don’t have my Lonsurf. Currently it is at pharmacy #3 who has spent 2 days trying just to bill it – apparently their system won’t let them charge my insurance and the copay assistance program. I’m going to make some calls to my insurance and see if I should just pay the $2K+ copay and then wait to get reimbursed or if that has some risks I’m unaware of. I am trying to ignore the little voice screaming, “You’re not getting any cancer treatment right now!!” and enjoy this mini-vacation from chemo.

I spoke more with my doctors about my trial options and we have decided to move forward with the one at MD Anderson. I’m currently waiting for an appointment to be scheduled there for me to talk to the team and sign consent forms. There is not currently a place for me in the trial, but they’re waiting on some paperwork that will change that in early March. If I could get started on my Lonsurf that would be great – it’s a 28-day protocol so I could get in one whole cycle before starting this trial. I hate feeling like I cannot commit to anything in the next week because I could be called to MD Anderson at any time. You get to give no input into your appointments there, you just show up when they schedule you and if you want to reschedule it can be a lengthy wait.

One of the other reasons I am annoyed at the wait for this chemo is that at this point I’ll start taking it in time for my last day of my two on-weeks to be the day of my half-marathon. So, it feels pretty unlikely I will be running this race. I could get a deferral to next year, but it’s also pretty unlikely I’ll be able to run it then. I want to send the organizers a link to the 13.1 miles I ran last week and ask them to give me my finishers shirt and medal anyway but I am pretty sure it doesn’t work like that.

The last thing I want to talk about is wallowing. I am still feeling low in my mood and energy and unsure how best to take care of myself. Are naps and french fries self care or a path to worse mood and energy levels? I asked about it on my Instagram this morning and received a lot of helpful information to chew on. I’m definitely still open to hearing more thoughts on the subject! I want to meet myself where I am, and make choices so tomorrow is as good as it can be.