In the past two weeks I took all the doses for round three of this oral chemo, Lonsurf. I am so incredibly glad to be on the other side of the active part of this round; it was a tough one. I was really nauseous and we began to work our way up the anti-emetic ladder. Continual nausea is so demoralizing. I was picking between eating or drinking most of the time, my body didn’t have room for both. It is such a relief to just drink when I’m thirsty and not regret taking more than a sip.
In past cycles this week is when the sleepiness is strongest. I have already taken a nap today and wouldn’t say no to another; we’ll see how I handle the week. My daughter and I did more walking last week – we went out for physically distant visits with friends where we chatted from opposite ends of the lawn – and I think that helped with my energy levels. So I’m going to try to put forth the effort to make that happen again this week, hoping that the act of doing it makes it easier.
I have some big cancer-related COVID-times fears that I want to talk about. It’s intense stuff related to my death, FYI, if that’s something you want to skip, avoid the next two paragraphs.
I am really scared that I will die during this quarantine. I believe the estimates that we might be only 1 month into 18-24 months mostly at home. I’m 1.5 years into an estimate of having 3-5 more years to live. The math includes an uncomfortably large overlap. I have had the benefit of time to make plans for the end of my life, and they include traveling to see people and definitely getting to hug those I care about again. It is incredibly sad to imagine not getting to mourn with the people I planned on mourning with.
And here is the other, selfish, fear I have around dying during this quarantine. I am afraid that my death will matter less to people, due to the pandemic that surrounds us. I always imagined my death being one of those things that makes people go home and hug their children tighter, a senseless loss. But we’re having thousands of senseless losses each day due to COVID-19. Won’t it numb people? How can it not? I feel like dying now would make me a small name on a long list, and nobody’s death should feel that way.
I hope everyone continues to stay safe and healthy.